How to Plan for Intentional Conversations

You guys. I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty sure a part of me dies every time a conversation simmers at the surface discussing the weather or other similarly surfacey topics. Surface conversations are not my jam. Let's have real connection, let's talk about joys and struggles and hopes and dreams and wrestles and beliefs and everythinggggggg else that is real and deep and honest and true and hard. How about we DON'T talk about the weather. Ever.  {unless we are meeting at a playground or pool...then we can briefly touch upon the weather ;) }. 

I LONG to hear from the heart of those I'm in relationship with. I long to share my heart too. We were made for connection, we were made for relationship. Our hearts long for it. 

Somewhere along the way, years ago, I learned that depth and vulnerability often requires a level of intentionality. It's not always easy to steer a conversation below the surface, especially if the other person isn't necessarily going to dive there on their own. I learned that I needed to prepare for conversations beforehand. I needed to think about who I was spending time with, and what parts of their life and story and heart I was eager to know. I wanted to come into time with others with an open heart and eager ears and eyes as I engaged in conversation. And so....I realized I needed to do what I do so very well in other areas of my life; I needed to plan intentionally for my time with others. 

Now for my free-spirited friends, this may sound ludicrous to you, and that's ok. We can still be friends ;) But I knew myself. I knew that if I wanted to give my all to someone, I needed to be fully present. I needed to be able to fully listen. I needed to be able to ask good questions. I needed to be able to come to the table with a heart open to their needs. And in order for me to do this, I needed to spend time beforehand preparing. So how do I do this?  Three steps. 

1. I pray. I pray for this friend leading up to our time together. I pray for our hearts to be melded together. I pray for conversation to be rich and meaningful, I pray for vulnerability for both of us. I pray for the Holy Spirit to lead. 

2. I prepare talking points or questions based on areas of their life I'd love to lean into. Maybe I make note to ask about their recent vacation, maybe I make note to ask how their Mom is doing because I knew she had recently had surgery, or maybe I write down some areas of pain that that friend has shared with me before and I know I want to make sure to follow up with them in that space. I keep a note on my phone as I lead into that planned time. I come back to that note in the days {and even minutes} leading up to our time together.  Friends that know this about me have shared that they feel thought of. {Others probably just think I'm checking my text messages as I reach check my phone notes ;)}.

3. I intentionally think through how I want to present myself in our time together. This isn't about putting on a mask or creating a show or being anything other then myself. BUT...when I've intentionally thought about how I want to show up - full of energy, present, focused, etc. - I am able to show up that way. It's just like an athlete who envisions crossing the finish-line. They picture it. I picture how I intend to present myself in the conversation, and therefore I'm less scattered and show up present and focused on them during our time together. 

Now, this doesn't happen for those few friends who live around the corner and I see them daily at the bus stop. And of course I don't do this 100% of the time....I'm SO very far from perfect. But if I have set aside time to sit and have tea with someone, or we're going to be spending time standing together at a playground while our little cuties run around, yes, I absolutely try to pray deeply into our time together, prepare some questions or talking points, and think through how I will posture myself towards that person. Does this go as planned every time? Of course not {especially when kids are involved}....BUT I try, and I find that intentionally leaning into friendships like this is so much more life-giving for me then just winging it. 

And what about those friends who don't go there? What about those people who stone-wall you from going below the surface? Yes, I have those people in my life as well. Those people? I just love them well. I try to ask intentional questions, I try to go there, but I won't drag them below the surface kicking and screaming. I respect their wishes and remain at the surface. {Meanwhile, however, I may be slowly dying inside :)} It is hard when you are in relationship with people who desire a different kind of friendship. It absolutely is. But that's part of relationship, living and loving together, even when it is hard.

Living intentionally isn't about being perfect. Living intentionally isn't about doing it perfectly all the time. Living intentionally IS about showing up with a heart postured towards living fully present and engaged in whatever the Lord has placed before us; relationships included. 

How do you intentionally lean into friendships? I would absolutely love to hear. 

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